This page is designed to help you understand your beard level and then give some suggestions as to what you might do about it.

Unbearded – This is a normal paddler; they understand that canoeing is fun and understand that a rush of adrenaline is a good thing. You can, however, never be too careful of the dreaded beard. flatwheeling at every opportunity and running rivers in unsuitably small boats should ensure that the beard is kept away.

Stubble - This can be quite normal, it probably denotes laziness and thus is not at all bad. It may also mean that you are on a long trip and is thus also a good thing. However if these do not seem to be the case then it may be that the beard gene is trying to become dominant (no comments from geneticists on the poor pun please). You should shave carefully for several weeks, if you do not find this a problem then you are fine, remember to apply the preventative steps above.

Goatee - If you have one of these then you are clearly confused in so many ways. It might mean that you actually think it looks good, in which case please never offer to help decorate anyone else's house, or even your own if you think any one but you is ever going to live there.
On the other hand it might mean that you have a strong desire to grow a beard but are trying to fight it.
Do you throw several ends in hole but then get out and try to provide bank support for others doing the same thing? In which case you are in real danger of the full beard breaking out. I suggest alcohol in large quantities. If you can manage to black out your memory for several days using this method you are probably cured. Hopefully during this someone will have helpfully shaved off your beard. You may find that you hair and eyebrows have also gone and that you wake up naked in Uzbekistan, this is an unfortunate side effect but cannot be helped. If your beard is still in place then shave it off whilst you still don't realise what is happening. Then go and run the nearest grade four rapid on your own, in the dark, sitting only on a plank, paddling with two empty beer bottles as hand paddles. You should now be cured. Remember to keep up preventative measures

Full beard - Oh dear. Do you own a boat which could easily broach at half the length on any British river? Do you think, 'Dee tour weekend, magnificent. A superb chance for me to wear a fluorescent bib and stand with a throw line on the rock at serpents tail for two whole days making patronising comments about then new generations lack of regard for safety,' whilst never getting in a boat? Thought so. Unfortunately you have reached the stage of full beardedness. The most important point here, as with any psychosomatic disorder is realising there is a problem. This can be difficult. It will take time to fully cure the condition. You could try the same process as for the goatee, this will get rid of the beard but unfortunately in your case this is not enough. Firstly, you must try to do any stupid things you can at any opportunity. This need not apply to canoeing, as this is a disorder which can spread into other areas of life.
When canoeing try things like seal launching is stupid places, such as off the diving board in your local pool during an aqurobics class. Or when you see a fisherman with a line out in the river, surreptitiously tie the line to you boat then paddle at speed thus pulling him in to the water. Things such as this will start to give you an understanding of the pleasure canoeing really has to offer.
The next stage is you boat. This is a big step and will take considerable will power. You have to take a large bow saw and saw off some of the end of you boat. Do not do too much at once.
This will be a long process; don't worry if you can only manage a few centimetres a day. The important thing is to repeat to yourself with ever pull on the saw the mantra 'shorter is better, shorter is more fun'. When finished, look at your boat and spend some time convincing yourself that this length is much better then it was before. In this way you will begin to believe that a boat can be less than four metres long.
Obviously paddling your boat will be difficult during this stage; this is not a problem. Go to your local canoe shop and buy a playboat. You will find this hard; mail order may make it easier. Do not try to paddle it at once; this would be a mistake. The aim is that you will begin to miss paddling and start to convince yourself that boats can be shorter at the same time. There will come a point when these emotions overcome the revulsion you feel for the playboat and you have to paddle it. Armed with this new boat and some stupid tricks which you have practiced the process will become easier. Within no time you will be using all that misgotten experience to a good end and pulling aerial blunts which amaze all the other boaters on the wave. Remember to keep up preventative measures.

Big Beard - This is serious. Your idea of a good night out is attending a local coaching symposium. You paddle an eighteen foot open boat because all you safety kit will not fit in anything else. You carry and emergency shelter for a Sunday afternoon paddle on the canal. You paddle on the canal out of choice. You have a few flares in the boat because you never know when they might be needed. You firmly believe that if a river cannot be run by a four year old on a tea tray then it is too dangerous and should never be run by anyone.
As in all cases you can try the previous method in the hope that your case is not much worse and the treatment works. However we are now dealing with an extreme level of beardedness, it should be realised the only alternative could be surgery.
Due to the advances in medical technology it is possible to have the beard removed surgically whilst under the influence of a general anaesthetic. When you wake up you will feel disorientated and will be facing a serious personality crises. This is only to be expected as you have been to the limits of beardyness and it is very difficult to drag yourself back. You will also have to go back for regular plucking session. These will make it so painful to have any sort of facial hair that you are forced never to let a beard grow back. This is, however, not enough. At this level you will also have to attend a two-week rapid debeard residential 'break'. The details of this process are kept secret and you will not be allowed to speak to anyone who has been on the programme, this is because contact with other beards can cause terminal relapse. Everyone who has been through the programme is given a new identity, this is in fact a useful side effect of the beard removal process and is inescapable. If you wish to follow this route then try this link .

The Ultimate Beard. This case is terminal. There is nothing you can do. There is only one kill or cure treatment here; the running of a high volume grade six river in one of you beloved wood and canvas boats. There really is no other option. But then it is only a matter of time before you choke to death on your beard anyway, so what have you to loose?

Disclaimer: This page is not meant to offend, just gently show poeple the error of there ways. It is in no way connected to, or a comment on, the BCU (Bearded Canoeists United).

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